Letter to my Dating Antichrist.

So, when I get drunk. I always. ALWAYS. for some ungodly reason want to e-mail my ex. So, I've decided to e-mail him here.

Yo! (ok, i really wouldn't have said that)
It's been so long since we've talked. I do miss you, and our conversations. Watching Saturday football in the fall. Cuddling up Sundays. I miss it all. Really, I do. I often think of that first time we met...At Harry Bissett's for brunch. Then, I think about not getting that job in NC. (remember, me calling you, when I was driving through Charlotte? It had been Ben's birthday the day before our first date...and i was either still drunk, or hungover when we met?) Then I remember getting that job at
Naturally Fresh, and my first week, going out with you and watching Ricky Bobby, and....eek, falling asleep, in the movie theater. Convinced after that night that you didn't like me. That you just wanted to be friends. Going to work and seeing Patti and saying how "he doesn't like me. I don't know...I was sure it was gonna go so well." Patti told me to wait, and...I did. Turns out, she was right. You called me that night. We hung out again, and again. We did real dates. We had sex, and we had sex on the 9th green. You cooked dinner for me a week later, and you had a cold, and we couldn't have sex, but I wanted to. We did it again the week later, and then all of a sudden, you were too busy. We didn't see each other until the day when you told me that you and "your ex" had gotten back together. I remember that day. It was my last day at my first job (which I hated). We met at Hand in Hand, and we had a beer. half way through it, you told me how YX had come back into the picture, and you had to pursue that. My respond was "it's not gonna come as a galloping shock to you that I like you." you replied that you had liked me. Remember that?? Do you remember that?! I do. I remember cursing my small bladder because I had to pee. I remember going to the bathroom and crying so hard I wasn't sure how I could walk back out. But I did. I pulled myself together like my mother had taught me to, and I walked out, and I sat back down. You didn't notice. You ordered another round of drinks (remember me saying how I changed my order based on the gravity of the beer?). You remember. I do, too. I remember you telling me how I certainly must call you when I got drunk that night, with Rob and Patti. I remember calling you, i don't remember much of that night, however, I do remember that Patti didnt' want me to call you. I remember that you called me that Satuday (on your way to Macon, no less) and told me how you forgave me for everything. EVERYTHING I had said the night before. How you wanted to be friends. How that was probably the most important thing to you at the moment. I told you, honestly, that I didn't know what kinda friend I could be, because I didn't want a part of your life (the YX part). You said you understood. Then why, why, why? AFter that, did we not talk. Why did your email to me (ok, e-mail?!) tell me that we couldn't talk. any more. you were worried what people would say. Give me a fucking break. I had not known you that long, but in the time that I had, I never knew you to give one good God Damn what people thought about you. So what. I had moved in with a friend of YX. Yeah, they had dated in college. big woo. RF would have never said anything, and you, YX, and GOD above know it. You made me start off my first year living with someone on edge. On edge that I couldn't trust him. That's one thing I wish I could get back. The fact that I didn't trust one of the men that became one of my best friends. Because YOU told me not to. IN your own way, of course, but you did it, and that's what matters. I met YX, and he turned out to be a great guy. you know, he was a lot better than I expected him to be. I guess it's hard to hate someone who is that nice, but you know, I really still resent a lot about how I was treated. I still really hate that we couldn't remain friends through this.

There are so many times when I wish that I could tell you things. When I want to talk to you after work, when I want to tell you one of my crazy drunken stories, when I want to hear one of yours. When I just want to rant....you were one of the few people i ranted to when I first moved to atlanta. There's a part of me that misses it all....then, there's the part that says.. hey, he fucked you over, and as a direct result, you met some of your best friends. They all know you. They're all there for you, and they all....CARE about you. These are the best friends you'll ever have, and you got them because YO! broke your heart.

I opened up to so many people because of you. And it's hard not to thank you for that. Do I still wish we talked. Could just have a friggin conversation. yes. Do I lose sleep over that. Not at all. not a single wink. There's a part of me, as there is a part of every child of every mother who thinks...what might have been. But then I realize...that I like my life. And regardless of how I was treated before during, after, and everything in between. I'm changed because we dated. The closing lines of Wicked say "I cant' say if I've been changed for the better, but I know I've been changed for good." And that's how i choose to look at it. Changed for good. I think that's OK. I'm OK with that, regardless.

Well, that's it. I just wanted to make sure you knew exactly how I felt. Hope you're well.
R